Jellybean Wars
by Natureboy3
Summary: WindClan is at fault for a jellybean famine, or are they? It's up to Leafpool to whip ThunderClan into shape for their asault. Will ThunderClan survive Leafpool's boot camp? COMPLETE.
1. Starting The War

**A.N.:Hey everybody! I've decided to give a swing at humor/parody story. Or whatever they're called. If people like it, I'll continue. No flames! I don't own warriors. I wish I did, but I don't.**

The morning for ThunderClan had started like any other. The birds were singing, bees were buzzing, and ThunderClan's kits were in the nursery chugging down Monster energy drinks by the gallon. Yup, it was just a normal, run-of -the-mill, hum-ding, day.

Until now.

Firestar: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Leafpool: (Rushes into Firestar's den wearing a nurse outfit and carrying a first-aid kit) Firestar! What's wrong? Are you ulcers acting up again?

Firestar: (Shakes head) Leafpool...my favorite daughter...

Squirrelflight: (From somewhere outside) Hey!

Firestar: (Ignores Squirrelflight) We're out of jellybeans!

Leafpool: No! Firestar, you'll be fine! Drink a can of Monster while I get you some more!

Firestar: No, Leafpool. I can hear StarClan calling me. Just remember, I don't like WindClan because they took my Ipod and broke it. That makes them responsible for the jellybean famine. You'll be in charge of our assault against WindClan. Good luck, my daughter.

An elevator appears out of nowhere. Firestar hops into it and the elevator takes off into the sky.

Leafpool: *Sobbing* You will be avenged Firestar! You will be avenged!

Leafpool's voice sounds over an intercom.

Leafpool: All ThunderClan outside! This is an emergency!

ThunderClan rushed around to stand at attention. They knew whenever Leafpool rarely made an announcement over the intercom. It meant bad news.

The last time she had made an announcement, Dancing with the Stars had been put on delay because of some technical glitch. No one was really sure how they survived those dark times. Suddenly, a patriotic theme began playing and a military jeep rolled into the middle of camp.

Leafpool stepped out wearing an army helmet, cameo uniform, and shiny black boots.

Leafpool: Okay everybody! This is war! Our leader Firestar has been taken out by a jellybean famine! The culprits, WindClan! I am in charge of whipping you sorry lot into shape! For the next few weeks, your tails belong to me! I'm going to make sure you wish you were never born!

Berrytail: (Sarcastically) This is going to be fun.

Leafpool: (Pulls a whip from her belt and whips Berrytail)

Berrytail: Ow! What was that for?

Leafpool: (Whips Berrytail again) The only words I want to hear out of your mouth are "Yes Ma'am" "No Ma'am" and "How Ma'am." Have you got that?

Berrytail: Yes Ma'am! I understand Ma'am!

Leafpool: (Whips Berrytail one more time) Okay, everybody go to the medicine den and get some fitting uniforms! Meet me back here at 0900 hours!

Everybody scrambles to the medicine den.

Mousefur: (To Longtail) I remember the last we went into combat. ShadowClan had stolen Bluestar's medication and we had to get it back.

Longtail: (Shudders) I'm glad we have Leafpool in charge. She has a better head on her shoulders then Bluestar.

Leafpool: Don't touch my dust bunny collection while you're in there!

Mousefur: (Trying on a uniform) Maybe not.

**A.N.:There you go! Chapter one! How will Leafpool train ThunderClan? Will Berrytail be whipped again? Will Leafpool cut off his monster rations?**

**Berrytail: Nooooooooooooooooooo!**

**Don't forget to review! This is first attempt at a Warriors humor story and I want to know what you think of it! Suggestions for how Leafpool can train her charges are great! **


	2. Training and WalMart

**A.N.:Thanks to all my reviewers! Here's chapter 2 as promised.**

(Everybody has put on uniforms that consist of black boots, army helmets, and cameo clothing)

Leafpool: Everybody line up at attention!

(Everybody stands straight)

Leafpool: You call this proper attention? (Whips Daisy) Feet together! (Whips Hollyleaf) Tail down! (Whips Graystripe) Head up!

Berrytail: She's lost her mind!

Leafpool: (Whips Berrytail several times) Keep your mouth shut soldier! Now everybody, report to the training hollow now! (Cracks whip) (Everybody runs by as fast as they can while screaming)

* * *

Leafpool and her troops had arrived at the training hollow. There were rope ladders, tire swings, plank bridges, and just about anything you can imagine, all leading up to the top of a large wooden pole in the center of the clearing. The pole had a rusty metal bell sitting at the top.

Leafpool: (Cracks whip) Everybody to the top of the pole and ring the bell now! I don't care how you get there, just do it! First three cats to the top of the pole get a seafood platter appetizer, spaghetti and meatballs for a main course , and a triple fudge ice cream sundae for desert! Also, they get a cot with pillows and blankets to sleep on and will get out of training tomorrow.

Everybody: (Cheering and looking excited)

Leafpool: (Holds up a paw for silence) But as there are winners, there must be losers. Losers get a quart of water, nothing else. They get one blanket for their wooden bunk, you'll get nothing else.

Everybody: (Looks worried now)

Leafpool: (Blows a whistle) Go soldiers, go!

Jayfeather leaped up and dug his claws into the rough wood. The tom had taken off his boots so he would have a better grip. He had decided the best way was to balance on a plank halfway up then to climb up a rope bridge the rest of the way. Progress was slow but sure, others weren't so lucky.

Whitewing: (Balancing on a narrow rope) This is easy! (Loses her balance and plummets back to earth) THUD!

Jayfeather: (Cringes then calls out weakly) Watch your step, it's slippery!

Graystripe: (Almost to the bell, a tire swings out of nowhere and smashes in the side of his skull. Graystripe quickly plummets to the ground.)

Leafpool: Graystripe are you alright?

Graystripe: Ooh, birdies! Hi birdies! (Paws at empty air)

Leafpool: Let's get him to the infirmary. He'll be okay in a few days, and I think he'll like his nurse.

It took some considerable effort, but after a portion of time, Jayfeather was the first to reach the bell. Brightheart was the next to make it, dropping from above with the aid of a tree limb. To Jayfeather's dismay, Cinderheart was beaten to the bell by Ashfur.

Leafpool: (Looks at all the bloodied and bruised losers) What can I say? Sucks to be you guys right now. Oh, and remember how I said you'll get nothing else besides the water? Hand over all your junk food. That's part of your punishment. (Leafpool marches over to Berrytail)

Berrytail: I don't have anything!

Leafpool: (Flips Berrytail over and shakes him several times. A huge pile of assorted junk food falls out.)

Berrytail: No! Not my Snickers bars! Anything but those!

The rest of the losers were soon "relived" of there junk food in a similar fashion. To Jayfeather's surprise, Cinderheart actually didn't have that much. Just a couple of small licorice sticks. After everybody wandered off to try to get some sleep on their wooden bunks, Jayfeather made his way over to Cinderheart. The she-cat looked close to tears.

Jayfeather: Hey, Cinderheart. Leafpool will probably give me extra rations. Want to share?

Cinderheart: (Sobs with joy.) Thank you so much Jayfeather! (Kisses Jayfeather on the cheek)

Jayfeather: (Blushing fiercely) Well...yes...I (Continues to babble like a cretin.)

Cinderheart: (Giggles and pulls Jayfeather off toward the mess hall)

* * *

Leafpool: Daisy! Get over here now soldier!

Daisy: (Salutes) Yes Leafpool! What can I do you for?

Leafpool: (Whispers) I need you to go to Wal-Mart and get me more Expresso. If you're fast, there'll be something extra in it for you. Can you handle that?

Daisy: (Salutes again) Yes Leafpool! You can count on me! (Runs off)

**A.N.:Hope you all liked the chapter! Will the relationship develop between Jayfeather and Cinderheart? Who is taking care of Graystripe in the infirmary? ****Will the rest of ThunderClan go into sugar withdrawals? Will you guys answer my questions? Don't forget to review! **


	3. Nightcloud Needs Her Medication

**A.N.:Hey everybody! Glad you all liked the last chapter!**

Daisy: (Panting heavily) Finally! I'm here!

Daisy had just arrived at Wal-Mart. Cars, shopping carts, and mischievous kits sneaking bites of candy were scattered all over the parking lot. Stepping through the automatic doors, an employee appeared.

At first, Daisy failed to recognize the she-cat wearing a blue vest with "How may I help you?" inscribed on the back, but then it hit her.

Daisy: Princess? What are you doing here?

Princess: (Smiles politely) Hello Daisy! How are you?

Daisy explained how ThunderClan was at war with WindClan and how she had been sent to get Leafpool more coffee. Daisy explained she had been working at Wal Mart part time, for her boyfriend had finally popped the question and they were trying to make enough money to buy a new house.

Daisy: Who's the lucky guy?

Princess: S...Smudge.

Daisy: (Eyes wide and mouth agape) Shut up! Omg!

Princess: (Blushes) No, he asked me to marry him a few months ago. We're going to have the ceremony at the end of summer. He works here as a pharmacist.

Daisy: (Pulls out five dollars) Here, get yourself a drink on me!

Princess: Thanks Daisy! You'll find the coffee past the pharmacy and the music section, along the far wall.

After bidding her farewell, Daisy made her way across Wal Mart. It wasn't long before she came to an area with tall shelves with medicine and band-aids adorning them. In the middle of it all, a black and white tom with a clean white lab coat stood shaking his head at a large mess. It seemed someone had come along and knocked all the contents off the shelves.

Daisy: Smudge! How are things with you and Princess?

Smudge: (Turns around) Daisy! Things are going great!

Daisy: What's with the mess?

Smudge: (Sighs and shakes his head again) Nightcloud is tearing this place apart trying to find Crowfeather.

As if to prove his statement, Nightcloud suddenly came tearing around the corner covered in whipped cream and hot fudge.

Nightcloud: (Screaming) Where's Crowy? I want my Crowyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Two cats came around the corner then supporting a straight jacket between them.

First cat: Nightcloud, if you want to see Crowy, you need to take these pretty pills first. Don't you want your pretty pills?

Nightcloud: I want Crowy! (Sees Mistyfoot looking at beauty products) Crowyyyyyyyy! Come here you sweet piece of tom! (Jumps Mistyfoot)

Mistyfoot: Help!

(The two cats with the straight jacket run over to subdue Nightcloud)

Smudge: I better to see what I can do to help. You take care, alright Daisy?

Daisy: See you soon Smudge!

As Daisy continued on, the intercom made frequent calls warnings to shoppers about Nightcloud's whereabouts so they could avoid her. Daisy soon arrived at the music section. CD's of all kinds covered the shelves. Daisy walked over to where Leapordstar was trying out an iPod, nodding her head to the beat of the song.

Daisy: What are you listening to Leapordstar?

Leapordstar: It's a great song! Listen for yourself! (Hands Daisy the headphones)

_And hearts are cold_

_and there's no hope_

_that's what we're told_

_and we can't go back_

_it won't be the same_

_forever changed_

Leapordstar: (Interrupts Daisy) The song is on sale too! Only a dollar!

_We come into this world_

_and we are all the same_

_and in that moment_

_there's no one to blame._

Daisy: (Hands back the headphones) Thanks Leapordstar!

Nightcloud: (Her voice comes over the intercom) Crowy? Are you there? I want to take your sweet body and** /censored/**_**.**_

Daisy: (Blushing) See you later Leapordstar!

Leapordstar: (Nods and goes back listening to music)

It seemed to take forever, but Daisy finally arrived at the coffee aisle. Selecting a few brands and throwing them into a shopping basket, Daisy jumped as a nearby box began to shake.

Crowfeather: (Pops his head out of the box) Is Nightcloud gone?

Daisy: For now.

Crowfeather: (Sighs in relief) I haven't had any sleep for days trying to hide from her. (Jumps out of the box)

Daisy: What have you heard of the Jellybean famine?

Crowfeather: It wasn't all of WindClan, just Nightcloud. She stole all the jellybeans from just about everybody. She seems to want to build a giant monument of me out of jellybeans, thinking it will draw me out into the open.

Nightcloud: (Her voice sounds far away) Crowy? Where are you Crowy?

Daisy: (Quickly pulls out five more dollars) You need a drink a lot more then I do. Good luck!

Crowfeather: (Nods his thanks and jumps back in the box)

Daisy: What a day, what a day. I'd better get back to camp. It's getting dark and Leafpool will want her coffee. (Makes her way toward the checkout line)

**A.N.:Hope you all liked chapter 3! Can anyone guess what that song was that Leapordstar was listening to? I cut out a few lines so it wouldn't be so obvious. Whoever gets it right will get a plushie of whatever cat they want decked out in army gear. Don't forget to review! **


	4. Swimming and Ice Cream

**A.N.:Hey everyone! The prize goes to Rainstar! The song is called The World is Black by Good Charlotte. Name what cat you want as a plushie Rainstar, and it's yours. I'll try to do a song per chapter. **

**First person to get the song and band correct gets a prize. Please name the cat you want when you make your guess. FYI: Jayfeather can see in my story. In case I didn't make that clear earlier. **

**FF Insomnia: The Spartans are good. They are very good. But even they are no match for my Necromagic! **

Daisy had just returned from Wal-Mart and was giving her report in Leafpool's tent. After helping herself to a few of the tidbits in the shopping bags, she went to lie down in her own bunk. Darkness had fallen, and the she-cat made her way to Block C, where her living quarters had been assigned. Had she been listening more carefully as she walked, she would have heard music coming from under the ground.

* * *

Cinderheart followed Jayfeather through the semi-darkness. Leafpool had just sent Daisy off to Wal-Mart, so Jayfeather said that Leafpool would be preoccupied for a little while.

After sharing the rations Jayfeather had won in the challenge, Jayfeather and Cinderheart had snuck off. The medicine cat said he had a surprise for her. Following Jayfeather, they came to a small clearing where an old tree stump sat.

Cinderheart: Um...Jayfeather? It's just a tree stump.

Jayfeather: (Smiles reassuringly) Don't worry. You haven't seen anything yet. (Knocks on the tree stump a few times.)

(A moment of silence then...Squeak!)

Cinderheart watched as the top of the stump swung open, revealing a passageway.

Jayfeather: (Motions with his forepaw) After you?

Cinderheart: (Slowly climbs down a small ladder until she reaches the ground floor.) (Her eyes go wide.)

Cinderheart was currently standing in a vast hallway. Ivory pillars lined the sides while clean red carpet covered the ground floor.

Jayfeather: (Just reaching the bottom of the ladder) Pretty cool huh?

Cinderheart: How did you...?

Jayfeather: This place belonged to Firestar a long time ago. He let me know about it before he passed on. You're the only other one who knows about it. C'mon, I'll show you around.

The two padded down the hallway until they reached a large kitchen. It was very clean looking, with stainless steel appliances and tile floors.

Jayfeather: Want some ice cream?

Cinderheart: (Her face lights up even more) Is that a trick question?

Jayfeather: (Walks over and opens a large freezer) (There's about fifty different kinds of ice cream) (Walks over to a nearby cupboard and opens it to reveal every kind of topping you can imagine)

Cinderheart: ...

Jayfeather: Help yourself.

After watching Cinderheart go at the ice cream like a pack of hungry sharks, Jayfeather made himself a sundae. The two felines sat back after their ice cream.

Jayfeather: You still have some whipped cream on your face.

Cinderheart: (Rubs at her face) Did I get it?

Jayfeather: Nope. (Leans forward and licks some whipped cream off the tip of Cinderheart's nose.)

Cinderheart: (Blushes slightly)

Jayfeather: Come on, I'll show you the rest of the place.

Jayfeather continued his tour of the underground mansion. Some other features included an arcade, a theater, a bowling alley, and an indoor dirt bike course. Coming to the end of a hallway, it forked off.

The left fork went about twenty tail lengths before ending with a door on either side of it. Both doors were marked "Changing rooms." The right fork ended with a door marked "Swimming pool and Hot tub."

Cinderheart: (Jumping up and down) Can we go swimming? Please?

Jayfeather: Sure. Your changing room is on the left side. They'll be several brands of swimming suits for you to choose from. I'll meet you back out here. (Goes through the door on the right side.)

Upon entering her door, Cinderheart was greeted with more wonder. The far wall contained several large baskets for keeping personal possessions. The other wall had a hallway leading to showers and a steam room. Cinderheart walked to a large rack in the middle of the room which contained a number of swimsuits.

Cinderheart: (Pulls out a very skimpy two-piece swimsuit. Blushes and puts it back.) Not today. I don't want Jayfeather to pass out while he's swimming or anything.

Cinderheart got a laugh from the picture that appeared in her mind. Finally deciding on a camo one-piece swimsuit, Cinderheart changed and placed her military gear in a basket. Wrapping a towel around her shoulders, she stepped out to meet Jayfeather.

The tom was waiting for her, with a towel around his shoulders and wearing simple black shorts with a white paw print on one side.

Jayfeather: (Lets out a low whistle) You look good. Very good.

Cinderheart: (Motioning with her tail) Lead the way.

As Jayfeather went first down the hallway, Cinderheart could not help staring after him.

Cinderheart: (Thinking) He looks...really hot...in a swim suit.

The swimming pool was very large. Many tail lengths long with a hot tub at the far side.

Jayfeather: (Sets his towel down on a beach chair. Then kicks a nearby beach ball into the pool.)

Cinderheart: (Drops her towel) I'll race you to it! (Springs into the pool without waiting for him to reply.)

Jayfeather: No fair! (Goes in after her.)

After a lot of swimming, the two cats finally climbed out of the water. Wrapping up in towels, they curled up next to each other on a beach chair and listened to Jayfeather's iPod. Sharing a pair of head phones, Cinderheart leaned back and listened to the song.

_I walk alone_

_I walk alone_

_I walk a-_

_My shadow's _

_the only one _

_that walks beside me_

_My shadow's heart's _

_the only thing that's beating_

_Sometimes I wish someone _

_up there will find me_

'_Till then I walk alone._

After a little while, Jayfeather broke the music filled silence.

Jayfeather: It's getting late. We should probably get some sleep.

The two cats followed the hallway back to the dressing rooms. Entering hers, Cinderheart made her way to the showers. Shedding her swimsuit, she turned on a shower and let the warm water run slowly through her fur. After scrubbing with some lavender soap, Cinderheart stepped out and walked back to were she kept her clothes.

Drying throughly, she reached for her uniform, then paused. A smile crept across her face as she got a very naughty idea. Wrapping herself in a towel, she stepped outside and hid around the corner. It wasn't long before she heard her target enter the hallway.

Jayfeather: Cinderheart? Are you almost ready?

Cinderheart: Looking for me?

To say Jayfeather was surprised to see Cinderheart come around the corner in nothing but a towel would be an understatement. What Jayfeather wasn't prepared for was the fact that Cinderheart gently released her grip, allowing the towel to unfold and drop to the floor.

Everything was silent for a moment, then Jayfeather moved backward toward his dressing room, his wide eyes still glued to Cinderheart's body.

When he had gone, Cinderheart slung her towel over her shoulder, not making any attempt to cover herself, and moved back into her dressing room. She thought about going into Jayfeather's dressing room, the look on his face in the hallway had been priceless.

But Cinderheart decided not to make the nosebleed Jayfeather was undoubtedly having any worse. Putting on a comfortable silk robe and slippers, she made her way back into the hallway. Just as expected, there was Jayfeather holding a bloody tissue to his nose. He blushed terribly when Cinderheart.

Cinderheart: (Kisses Jayfeather's cheek) I just wanted to thank you Jayfeather. You showed me this wonderful place, so I let you see me naked. Can we explore a little more before we go to sleep?

Jayfeather: Sure! (Follows Cinderheart, still trying to stop his nosebleed.)

**A.N.:How did you like it? Tell me! Don't forget to guess the name of the song, the band it's from, and tell me the plushie you want. **

**Forgive me if the lyrics are a little off, I bring the song up on YouTube and type it as I listen to it. One more time, review! Peace out!**


	5. Tattoos and Photographs

**A.N.:Hey everyone! The prize, yet again, goes to Rainstar. The song is Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day!** **Just to clarify, the cats still walk on all four feet. This may make some of the positions I've described a little awkward, just bear with me. I'm glad you liked the JayxCinder, I have a lot of fun writing it. Let's get going! **

**P.S.: Don't tell me about Sunset! I haven't got the book yet! I hope to get it somehow this weekend, but I'm kinda broke. **

Cinderheart emerged from the tunnel into the pale morning sunlight. Touching noses with Jayfeather in farewell, she watched the tom move off toward camp. Jayfeather had been such a gentleman, giving her a large master bedroom to stay the night in. As she picked her way through the bushes, she ran into Honeyfern.

Cinderheart: Honeyfern, what are you doing?

Honeyfern: (Motions to a large bag of trash she's hauling across the ground) Leafpool's on the warpath. She caught me with a bag of marshmallows and sentenced me to trash duty.

Cinderheart: That's not so bad. The dumpster only past that oak tree over there.

Honeyfern: And Leafpool made sure the dumpster was taken away to be emptied. The closest one is near Moonpool.

Cinderheart: Ouch.

Honeyfern: (Looks eager) So tell me, where did you go with Jayfeather? I saw you two sneaking away last night.

Cinderheart told Honeyfern about the previous night's events. The only thing she left out was the location to Jayfeather's mansion. Honeyfern didn't seem to mind.

Honeyfern: He saw you naked?!? So how did it go? (Raises her eyebrows suggestively) You get a little action last night?

Cinderheart: (Blushing beet red) No! Nothing like that! He's a real gentleman though, I kid you not.

After some more talking, Honeyfern came up with an idea. Cinderheart was reluctant at first, but the more the other she-cat talked, the more she liked the sound of it.

Honeyfern: There's a good place over near ShadowClan territory. Follow the twoleg path for a few minutes, you can't miss it.

Bidding Honeyfern farewell, Cinderheart made her way through ThunderClan territory. It didn't take her long to find the twoleg path, and soon she reached her destination.

Yellowfang's tattoo parlor.

Entering the small building with caution, Cinderheart took in her surroundings. There was awaiting area several couches covered with old looking magazines, several tables for the cats to lay while they had their tattoos done, and the walls were completely covered with designs and patterns for body art.

Yellowfang was sitting on an old armchair, you could see the tattoos she had through her fur, they appeared to be covering her whole body. Blackstar lay nearby, talking on and on.

Blackstar: You look at YouTube, Deviantart, . How come my clan are always the bad guys? We like to dress up as fairy princesses as much as anyone else, but the tabloids have been all over us lately! (Gets up and walks over to Cinderheart) (Talks in a baby voice) You don't think ShadowClan are bad guys, do you little girl?

Cinderheart: O_O

Yellowfang: (Gets up from where she's reading a magazine and smoking a cigarette) Blackstar, get out of here! You're scaring all my customers away!

Blackstar: Fine! I'm going! (Yellowfang shoves him out the door)

Yellowfang: (Grinds out her cigarette in an ash tray and massages her temples with her forepaws) That idiot will be the death of me yet.

Cinderheart: Thanks for getting rid of him!

Yellowfang: No problem. What can Aunt Yellowfang do for you, Sweety?

Cinderheart explained how she wanted a tattoo.

Yellowfang: You got a boyfriend or something?

Cinderheart: (Looks down at her paws) Well...um...

Yellowfang: (Grins widely) Well then, your tattoo is on the house. I remember getting by first one when Raggedstar and I starting dating. But there I go again! Rambling on and on! (Gets out a pen and some paper and sits back down in her chair) (Motions to the chair across from her) Sit down!

Cinderheart: Thanks Yellowfang! This is how I want my tattoo...

* * *

Honeyfern sat waiting for Cinderheart. She knew it wouldn't be long before Cinderheart got back. After a while, she did.

Honeyfern: Did you get it?

Cinderheart: (Looking sheepish) Well...yes!

Honeyfern: Good! Now, all we have to do is give that boyfriend of yours a little tease. (Hands Cinderheart a paper bag) Change into this, and I'll take your picture! We'll give it to Jayfeather later!

* * *

Hollyleaf stomped across the camp clearing. Cats were still harboring junk food, video games, and such like! It was an outrage!

Hollyleaf: (Muttering under her breath) They shouldn't be having fun! They should be studying the warrior code!

(Hollyleaf stomps up to where a kit sat reading a book)

Hollyleaf: What have you got there?

Amberkit: Nothing! (Tries to hide the book behind his back)

Hollyleaf: (Snatches the book from him) Animorphs; The Invasion?!? (Rips the book in half)

Amberkit: No! That was my favorite copy! (Looks ready to burst into tears)

Hollyleaf: How would you like to read a much better book? (Hands Amberkit another book)

Amberkit: (Reading aloud) The Best Part of the Warrior Code and how to Obey it?

Hollyleaf: See? Much better! Have fun!

Amberkit: (Has a furious look in his eyes as he tries to put the ripped pages of his book back together)

Hollyleaf marched across camp, her gaze flicking back and forth. She paused when she noticed Whitewing also reading a book.

Hollyleaf: (Runs over to Whitewing) What are you reading?!? (Grabs her book away)

Whitewing: No! Hollyleaf don't! I beg you!

Hollyleaf: (Looks at the cover) Breaking Dawn? Seriously Whitewing! How can you read this? So infantile! (Pulls out a lighter)

Whitewing: (Her voice dangerously low) If you touch that book...

Hollyleaf: (Touches the flame to the pages. The book quickly burns to ashes)

Whitewing: (Watches as Hollyleaf marches off) (Twitches involuntarily)

Jayfeather let out a yawn as he hauled himself to his feet. The nap had refreshed him, he was feeling a lot better.

Jayfeather: (Notices something sticking out from under his helmet) (Pulls it out at looks at it)

It was a photograph. A photograph of Cinderheart. It was a photograph of Cinderheart in a light purple almost see-through neglige. The she-cat was in a hunter's crouch winking seductively at the camera.

Her right hip was turned toward the camera revealing a tattoo. The tattoo was a gray cinder colored feather with "Jayfeather" winding around it in bright red letters. Jayfeather wasn't sure how long he stood there, staring at the picture.

But when he looked up, he realized two things. One, he was standing there having a major nosebleed while staring at Cinderheart's photograph. Two, Hollyleaf, the biggest supporter of the warrior code, was walking towards him.

Jayfeather: (Curses and stuffs the picture in the pocket of his uniform) (Pulls out a tissue and tries to stop his nosebleed)

Hollyleaf: What are you doing?

Jayfeather: Allergies.

Hollyleaf: (Has an unbelieving look on her face) Your allergies give you nosebleeds?

Jayfeather: Yes.

Hollyleaf: (Glares at him and turns around) I've got my eye on you!

Once his sister was lost to sight, Jayfeather turned and dove into the nearest tent. The medicine tent. Inside was beds for patients and various medical equipment. A radio was playing some quiet music

_I wanted you to know_

_that I love the way you laugh_

_I want to hold you high_

_and steal your pain_

_away._

_I keep your photograph_

_I know it serves me well_

_I want to hold you high _

_and steal your pain_

_The worst is over now _

_and we can breathe again_

_I wanna hold you high, _

_you steal my pain _

_away  
_

_There's so much left to learn,_

_and no one left to fight  
_

_I wanna hold you high_

_and steal your pain._

Graystripe was sitting nearby with a bandage wrapped around the top of his skull. Holes had been cut into it for his ears.

Jayfeather: Graystripe! Feeling better?

Graystripe: A lot better! I've got one of the best nurses in the world!

Silverstream walked up then wearing a nurse's outfit and carrying a clipboard.

Silverstream: Jayfeather! Are you feeling okay?

Jayfeather: I'm feeling fine Silverstream. Just came in here to hide while my sister is on the warpath.

Graystripe: (To Silverstream) How's our other "Patient" doing?

Silverstream: Oh, she'll have to be there until she calms down I'm afraid.

Jayfeather looked behind Silverstream to see Millie strapped down to a bed while gagged.

The she-cat was struggling like mad against her restraints while trying to scream around her gag.

Millie: Veave vy voyfriend valone! Vour voomed vhen I get vout of her vou vitch!

Jayfeather: (Nods to Graystripe and Silverstream) I had better be going! See you later! (Leaves the tent)

**A.N.:There's chapter five! Don't forget to review and guess the name of the song and the band who plays it! I don't own Breaking Dawn or Animorphs. Please review! **


	6. Rain and Claudandus

**A.N.:Hey everyone! The prize goes to FF Insomnia! The song is called Broken by Seether.** **(I think, that's what it said on Google.) To clarify, a plushie is a stuffed animal. This chapter may be a bit more serious then normal, depends on what comes to me as I type. I'll try to make next chapter a little more funny. Let's get going!**

The day was a gloomy one. The sky above the treetops was overcast and big raindrops were falling. A huge storm was on it's way. Cats were dismissed from training, and were spending their day in the barracks sneaking candy and video games where they could.

The apprentices had the good fortune of not having Hollyleaf or Leafpool patrolling nearby, so they decided to take advantage of the situation.

Volepaw: (Playing Dance Dance Revolution alongside Falconpaw) This is great! Molepaw, can you pass me some of that iced coffee?

Molepaw: (Throws Volepaw the coffee, not looking up from his game of Word of Warcraft.) Die! Die! All of you will die before the power of my Necromancer! Mwahahaha!

* * *

Jayfeather made his way through the rain. Looking out from under the hood of his green poncho, he stepped through a clump of wet gorse and slogged on through the mud.

Jayfeather: (Talking out loud, mimicking Leafpool) Jayfeather, the T.V. won't work! Go fix the antenna! Do it now or you'll be sorry! Blah! Blah! Blah! (Back to his normal voice) Why can't leafpool fix her own antenna? Oh, that's right, she's too busy stuffing her face with chocolate bars!

It wasn't long before Jayfeather reached the antenna. Looking up at the tall metal structure, a thought clicked into Jayfeather's mind.

Jayfeather: (Thinking) I'm not going up there! The lightning will fry me!

As if to prove his point, a jolt of lightning zapped the ground not a stone's throw away. Turning around, the terrified tom dove into the shelter of a nearby bush.

Jayfeather: (Panting hard with his fur fluffed out) Stupid lightning! Stupid antenna! Stupid Leafpool! There's only one thing that could make this day better...although I probably won't get it.

A pair of paws suddenly covered his vision from behind.

Cinderheart: Guess who?

Jayfeather: (Turns around to see Cinderheart dressed in a light pink poncho) What are you doing here?

Cinderheart: (Ignores the question) Did you get my picture?

Jayfeather: (Blushing bright red) Yeah...Can I see your tattoo?

Cinderheart: (Grins) You still owe me my fee for the photograph.

Jayfeather: (Looks confused) And how am I supposed to-mpph!

Jayfeather's question was cut off as Cinderheart yanked him forward and kissed him hard on the lips. It was over before could register what happened. They stood panting hard for a minute, then Jayfeather broke the silence.

Jayfeather: My turn!

Laying side by side on the dry ground beneath the bush, they went at it again with more enthusiasm.

* * *

Leafpool sat in her den glaring at the static on the T.V. Opening a candy bar, she bolted it down in hope that it would soothe her nerves. It didn't help.

Leafpool: (Putting on a cameo poncho) Hollyleaf! Get yourself in here!

Hollyleaf: (Rushes in) Yes, Leafpool? What can I do for you?

Leafpool: (Stomps over toward the door) Get your poncho on! We're going to find that lazy tom and figure out what in the name of StarClan is keeping him!

Before long, the two she-cats were making their way through the forest. Walking in silence, they tried to hear if Jayfeather was nearby. Even with enhanced cat hearing, they could barely hear themselves think over the downpour. Overhead, lightning ravaged the sky. Finally, they reached the antenna.

Leafpool: (Walks over to where a switch is at the bottom of the antenna and flips it) There! That should clear up any static problems! Let's get out of here!

Hollyleaf: (Suddenly alert) Did you hear that?

Leafpool: (Alert now) Hear what?

Hollyleaf: Listen!

Both she-cats listened hard as the rain came down. After a minute, they were able to detect something.

Hollyleaf: Sounds like some kind of...moaning?

Leafpool: Let's see if we can find it.

Both cats made their way over to a nearby bush where the sound seemed to be coming from.

Leafpool: (Eyes wide, voice quiet) By the teeth of the dead!

There lay Jayfeather and Cinderheart, passionately making out on the ground. The couple seemed to be oblivious to the world around them.

Hollyleaf: (Her voice is loud) Traitors! How dare they break the warrior code!

Leafpool: Quiet! Let's get them up!

It took a lot of effort, but they finally managed to separate Jayfeather and Cinderheart. The couple seemed to come to their senses as soon as they were pulled to their feet. It didn't take an engineer to figure out how much trouble they were in.

Hollyleaf: (Slaps Jayfeather hard across the face)

Cinderheart: (Screeching) Don't touch him!

Leafpool: (To Hollyleaf) Get him out of here. You know where to take him.

Hollyleaf: (Nods and drags Jayfeather away)

Leafpool: Let's go Cinderheart. Your getting off basically scot free. I'll escort you back to camp.

Cinderheart: (Tears streaming down her face) Hic-what? Why are you taking Jayfeather and not me?

Leafpool: (Grabs Cinderheart and leads her in the direction of camp) Well, it's a long story and I don't want to bore you with the details, so you'll just have to trust me.

* * *

In the barracks, ThunderClan's warriors were doing their best to comfort Cinderheart. Leafpool had shoved her inside and left without a word. Cinderheart was laying on a bunk crying her eyes out.

Sorreltail: (Stroking Cinderheart's back) Chin up Cinderheart! We can go visit him right now if you want!

Jayfeather had been taken to the lake's prison where he would remain until Leafpool figured out his punishment.

Berrytail: (Lying on the bunk above them) (Interrupts narrator) For the love of StarClan, my name is Berrynose! Stop calling me Berrytail!

Natureboy3: Fine! Whatever! Ruin the moment!

Berrynose: (Goes back to playing his PSP) As I was saying, you'd better hurry. Visiting hours are almost over.

Cinderheart: Thank you Sorreltail, but I need to go by myself.

Bidding farewell, Cinderheart put on her poncho and headed out into the rain.

* * *

Jayfeather paced around his cell. It was exactly ten by ten feet with plain furnishings. They had taken his uniform and replaced it with standard prison stripes. He really wanted some fresh air. Even more, he wanted Cinderheart.

Jayfeather: (Scraping his claws across the stone floor) If they hurt her I swear I'll...

Prison Guard: Hey! Incarcerate! You've got a visitor!

Jayfeather followed the guard down the narrow hallway until they came to the visitor room. A thick panel of bullet proof glass separated him and the visitor. A small receiver sat on his side of the table that they could use to communicate. Sitting down, Jayfeather waited.

Cinderheart: (Comes in sits down on the other side) Hey handsome, what are you in for?

Jayfeather: Cinderheart! You're okay! They haven't hurt you, have they?

Cinderheart: No, I'm fine. Jayfeather, this is all my fault! I'm so sorry!

Jayfeather: It's not your fault Cinderheart. (Smiles) I don't regret anything.

Cinderheart: (Smirks) You're not bad, but you need some work.

Jayfeather: Will you help me practice?

Cinderheart: Of course.

Jayfeather: Cinderheart, I wanted to ask you something.

Cinderheart: Go ahead.

Jayfeather: (Pulls something out of the pocket of his shirt) You're so much fun to be around, Cinderheart. You're smart, witty, talented. (Opens his paw to show a diamond ring) Will you marry me?

Cinderheart: (Claps her paws over her mouth) Oh, Jayfeather... Yes!

There was a small crack in the glass, just big enough to slip the ring through. Taking the ring, Cinderheart tried it on.

Cinderheart: (Crying happy tears) It's wonderful Jayfeather!

Jayfeather: Don't be sad Cinderheart! I'll be out of here soon enough. Go have some fun, I'll see you later.

A guard came over at that moment.

Prison Guard: Visiting hours are over.

As Jayfeather was led back to his cell, he heard a screech coming from one as he passed. Looking over, he saw Nightcloud in a padded cell wearing a straight jacket.

Nightcloud: (Rolling around in circles) Foolish mortals! Nothing can hold me for long! I'll have my revenge! Mwahahaha!

Jayfeather: (Shudders) I'd take almost any punishment, but not that.

* * *

Night had fallen and the storm was at the height of it's wrath. It continued to pour rain and flash lightning. In the barracks, a party was in full swing. After Leafpool and Hollyleaf had gone to bed, the warriors had got out some food and drinks and were celebrating Cinderheart's engagement.

Cinderheart walked through the barrack with Sorreltail, showing off her new ring.

Cinderheart: (Sidesteps Whitewing who's chugging a whole keg of Monster) This is great, Sorreltail! How did you manage it?

Sorreltail: Don't worry, Cinderheart! You deserved a party, so we all put our heads together and chipped in. They walked by a corner of the bunks where the apprentices were mostly hanging out. The apprentices had managed to find a radio, which they were playing music with.

_On the ground I lay_

_Motionless in pain_

_I can see my life_

_flashing before _

_my eyes_

_Did I fall asleep? _

_Is this all a dream?_

_Wake me up!_

_I'm living a nightmare!_

_On this bed I lay_

_losing everything_

_I can see my life_

_Passing near my-_

_Was it all too much?_

_Or just not enough?_

_Wake me up!_

_I'm living a nightmare._

Suddenly, a knock sounded at the door. Everyone became very quiet. If it was Leafpool or Hollyleaf, they were screwed.

Unknown: Hello? Hello in there? Mind if I come inside and warm up for a minute? Then I'll be on my way.

A look of relief spread across the faces of the party goers and the party started back up. Cinderheart made her way over and opened the door. Their guest stepped inside with a grunt of thanks.

Removing his hat and trench coat, Cinderheart could see that it was a gray tabby tom with green eyes. He was very fat with a deep, booming voice. The newcomer introduced himself as Claudandus before sitting beside the stone fireplace to dry himself.

Cinderheart: So, Claudandus, what are you doing here?

Claudandus: (Taking a few drinks from a cup of mead) I have to get to the Stardust hotel tonight. Hopefully I can catch a few hours of sleep, for I have work to do bright and early tomorrow morning. It will be my first time on the job, you see.

Cinderheart knew that the Stardust hotel lay just beyond Moonpool. Most of the other cats had gathered around Claudandus and were questioning him about his occupation.

Claudandus: How about I give it to you in a riddle? A song riddle?

Before anyone could answer, the gray tom began to sing in his deep voice.

_O my trade is the rarest one,_

_Simple felines all-_

_My trade is a sight to see;_

_For my customers I tie, and take 'em up on high,_

_And waft 'em to a far country!_

Everyone was silent for a moment, trying to find a possible solution for the riddle.

Cinderheart: What kind of tools do you use for your job?

Claudandus began to sing the next verse.

_My tools are but common ones,_

_Simple felines all-_

_My tools are no sight to see:_

_A little hempen string, and a post whereon to swing,_

_Are implements enough for me!_

Cinderheart had a horrible feeling in her stomach. Surely Claudandus wasn't a...?

_To-morrow is a working day,_

_Simple felines all-_

_To-morrow is a working day for me:_

_Respect for the code was slain, and the tom who did it taken,_

_And on his soul may StarClan have mercy!_

Finishing his song, Claudandus stood and put on his coat and hat. Nodding his thanks to the silent cats around him, he opened the door and moved off into the storm.

**A.N.:Poor Jayfeather! Don't forget to review and guess the name of the song! The song that was sang by Claudandus is from a real book, whoever can tell me the title and author gets a plushie! This is the longest I've ever gone on a single chapter, just over ten pages! So Review! **


	7. Whipping Post

**A.N.: Hello everyone! Sorry it's been forever since I've updated. The song is Time of Dying and the book is The Three Strangers. Plushies for everyone! (Throws plushies in the air)**

** Isn't it great that Jayfeather is doomed to die?**

**Cinderheart: (Grabs Natureboy3 around the neck)**

**Natureboy3: Or…not…**

It was the following morning after Jayfeather had proposed to Cinderheart, and he was feeling good about his position.

Leafpool couldn't keep him there forever, and he would get to see his fiancé again.

Prison guard: Hey! You! Leafpool wants a word with you!

Jayfeather allowed himself to be led out of his cell and down the hall. He looked in Nightcloud's cell as he passed, but all he saw was an eggplant and some fireworks in her place.

The guard moved him outside and to the base of a large structure. It was a simple wooden platform with a beam suspended above it. There was a gray tabby adjusting a loop of rope hanging from it.

Claudandus: Hello, customer! Ready to see how I do for my first time on the job?

Jayfeather: (Thinking) What in the name of StarClan is this nut talking about?

Leafpool stepped up to Jayfeather, motioning for the guard to un-cuff him.

Leafpool: Hello, Jayfeather. I need to talk with you.

Jayfeather: (Stares blankly) Okay.

Leafpool: You've broken the code Jayfeather, and I'm going to let you go. You still need to be punished. I'll let you stay with Cinderheart, so you can stay focused on the war. One, I can hang you, which I won't do for a number of reasons.

Jayfeather: (Glances nervously at the gallows) Why have you changed your mind?

Leafpool: I don't want my inbox clogged with angry emails.

Jayfeather: (Sarcastically) Gee…thanks!

Leafpool: Two, I can give you thirty lashes and exile you.

Jayfeather: And option three?

Leafpool: I give you fifty lashes and forget this ever happened.

Jayfeather: (Thinking) I…I can't leave Cinderheart. (Speaking) I go with option three.

Leafpool: Okay. You'll wait until sunhigh.

The guard started to take Jayfeather back to his cell.

Leafpool: Hey! Jayfeather!

Jayfeather: (Looks over his shoulder) Yes?

Leafpool: Congrats on your engagement!

Jayfeather: (Smiles) Thanks!

* * *

It was almost sunhigh when Cinderheart was brought to Jayfeather's cell. To say that Cinderheart was happy to see him would be an understatement.

Cinderheart: (Hugging Jayfeather and crying) Jayfeather! I've been so worried!

Jayfeather: I'm alright Cinderheart. This will be easy. I don't blame you for this.

Cinderheart: That's what I'm worried about! You'll be hurt! (Bursts into tears)

Jayfeather: (Hugging Cinderheart tightly) It'll be okay.

It was several minutes before Cinderheart could pull herself together and go to the whipping post. It was several more minutes before Jayfeather was taken there himself.

The gallows from earlier had been torn down and a whipping post had been set in its place. It was several tail-lengths high with a crossing piece at the top for Jayfeather's forepaws to be tied to.

Claudandus was there, and he didn't look very happy from being cheated out of playing executioner.

Almost all of the ThunderClan charges were there, including Cinderheart, except for Hollyleaf and the apprentices.

Claudandus: (Tying Jayfeather's paws to the crossbeam) You cheated me out of an execution. Don't worry; I'll make sure to hit you extra hard. (Pours some water in Jayfeather's mouth)

Jayfeather: (Spits the water in his face)

Claudandus: (Snarls and wipes water from his face) Tough, eh? Well you're not tough enough to stop this! (Cracks his whip over Jayfeather's back)

There isn't anything I can say to make you imagine the horrible, agonizing, and excruciating pain Jayfeather felt. His shirt was soon cut to ribbons and his back was bleeding heavily.

Claudandus: …nineteen…twenty…

* * *

Jayfeather slowly opened his eyes. Claudandus had stopped.

Claudandus: (Scowling heavily) …fifty! You're done!

Claudandus began untying Jayfeather's paws and glanced at his back.

Claudandus: With any luck you'll bleed to death. That would make my day.

Everyone watched as Jayfeather was untied, then dropped like a stone.

Cinderheart: (Screaming) Jayfeather!!!

* * *

Hollyleaf let out a sigh as the apprentices filed into the small classroom.

She was stuck in there for the afternoon, but at least she could teach these young cats about the warrior code.

Hollyleaf: Okay everybody, listen up! You're going to learn the best part of the warrior code!

Everyone: (Groans loudly)

Hollyleaf: (Switches off the light, talking as she does so) Quit griping! The best part of the warrior code is not to have kits before you're old enough. In order to learn how not to have kits, you must learn how to have kits. (Motions to a screen on the wall) Everyone watch and be quiet.

(Several mind scarring minutes later)

The apprentices moved slowly out of the classroom, eyes wide. Hollyleaf remained at her desk, reading a magazine and playing some music.

_Prince Toadstool, you're so misguided  
I've never found of bookworms  
But then again this one does make good Mario bait  
I can't wait  
_

_With my magic book  
I'll shower those crumsy lizards with my power  
Until dinosaur land is nothing but fossil fuel  
My only problem with these spells  
Is that I know not what they tell  
_

_So every hex leaves me perplexed  
And all I want are those plumbing fools  
Princess Toadstool, you're not so clever  
All your words are alphabet soup  
A picture tells it better  
I'll say it again!_

Olivepaw: Ms. Hollyleaf?

Hollyleaf: (Glares over her magazine) Yes?

Olivepaw: You know how you turned in Jayfeather for having a forbidden love?

Hollyleaf: What about it?

Olivepaw: Wasn't that you and Breezepelt on the screen…?

Hollyleaf: (Throws random objects at Olivepaw) Out! Out of my classroom!

**A.N.: There you go! I'll try not to take forever to update next time! Tell me what you think! Can you guess the song? Review, no flames! **


	8. Resident Evil 4

**A.N.: Hey everyone! Nobody got the song for the last chapter. It's called Ignorance is Bliss by Jellyfish. Some elements from this chapter come from the YouTube video Warrior spoofs! By demonslyr. Let's get going.**

The first thing Jayfeather was aware of when he woke up was the pleasant elevator music. Standing up, he looked around the interior of a large elevator traveling steadily upward.

Ding!

The tom blinked as the doors slid open, revealing the entrance to a resort. He looked up at the large sign over the gate.

Jayfeather: (Reading aloud) StarClan Resort? (Grins) I guess our ancestors aren't as mellow as we'd like to believe.

The medicine cat was proven correct. As he stepped through the gate, a loud blast of party music nearly knocked him over. A large swimming pool was in front of him and an even larger hotel sat beyond it.

Walking amongst the gathered StarClan cats, he listened as Tallstar started a conversation with Snowkit. Jayfeather was surprised that the kit was wearing hearing aids.

Tallstar: Snowkit, if you were a samurai warrior you'd tell me, right?

Snowkit: ...NO!...

Jayfeather turned as he heard someone call a greeting from behind him. He saw Firestar climb out of the swimming pool and walk over to him.

Firestar: Jayfeather! Good to see you again! How do you like the awesome party?

Jayfeather: I just got here. Why am I here anyway? Am I dead? What about Cinder-

Firestar: (Cuts Jayfeather off) If you have complaints you can go to the hotel lobby. (Stares and grins as Spottedleaf walks by in a bikini) Hey, Jayfeather, I'm a great pickup artist! Watch this!

Jayfeather stood quietly and watched as the past ThunderClan leader approach the she-cat.

Firestar: (Puts a paw on Spottedleaf's shoulder) Morning, Beautiful! Is it hot around here or is it just you?

Spottedleaf: (Smacks Firestar across the face) Sicko!

Firestar simply shrugged and stalked over to Feathertail, who was talking to Shrewpaw.

Firestar: (Shoves Shrewpaw into the pool)

Feathertail: Hey! What was that for?

Firestar: (Ignores her and fiddles with her bikini strap) Let's not talk about him. Let's talk about you and me, Sexy. (Smacks Feathertail on the butt)

Feathertail: (Slaps Firestar across the face) Pervert! (Dives in the pool after Shrewpaw)

Jayfeather decided now was the best time to make his escape. He made his way over toward the hotel, but was caught from behind and dragged into the bushes.

Nightcloud: (Holding a piece of ham to the side of his head) You make one move and you're a dead cat. Where are the delicious cinnamon buns being stored?

Jayfeather: I don't-

Nightcloud: (Interrupts Jayfeather) Wait! I know! (Releases Jayfeather and disappears)

Crawling out of the bushes, Jayfeather had no idea what had just happened. His spirit soared when he saw Bluestar.

Jayfeather: (Thinking) Yes! A cat with some sense!

He made his quickly over and tapped the she-cat on the shoulder.

Bluestar: Hello, Jayfeather! I just saw Nightcloud run through here. Don't worry, the guys from the funny farm will take care of her. She's not dead, she sneaked through a back entrance.

Jayfeather: Am I dead? (Explains the events of the past few days)

Bluestar: You'll have to check the reception desk at the hotel. They know everything.(Gets an idea) Follow me, Jayfeather! I need some coffee!

Jayfeather followed Bluestar over to a small refrigerator.

Bluestar: Here it is! The mini-fridge! (Opens the door and gasps in horror) No...it's empty!

Jayfeather: Bluestar, calm down!

Bluestar: (Twitching) N-need...coffee...

Firestar: (Appears out of nowhere and gives Bluestar a coffee)

Bluestar: Thank you! (Chugs the coffee, then grabs Firestar and starts making out with him)

Jayfeather: (Rolls his eyes) Get a room.

Padding away, he watched Mosskit and Snowkit torture Stonefur. The two kits were using "reverse psychology" on the RiverClan warrior.

This meant they kept saying "it's not your fault" causing Stonefur to go nuts.

Mosskit: It's not your fault!

Stonefur: What are you talking about?

Snowkit: It's not your fault!

Stonefur: Go away!

Snowkit: But it's not your fault!

Stonefur: (Screams like a girl and runs away)

Mosskit: I think we overdid it.

Snowkit: Yup.

Mosskit: Did he just scream like a girl?

Snowkit: Yup. (Holds up a video camera) This is so going on YouTube.

Mosskit: LOL!

Jayfeather sighed and sat down in a beach chair next to the pool. He wasn't getting anywhere.

He opened his eyes as a large weight plopped down in his lap. There was Honeyfern, in a very revealing bikini, with a strong scent of alcohol coming off her.

Honeyfern: I'll be *hiccup* straight with you. I'm drunk and you look really *hic* hot. Want to get a room? *hic*

Jayfeather: (Stands up quickly) N-no! Sorry! I'm taken! (Shows his engagement ring)

Honeyfern: *Hic* Whatever. (Stalks off to find her next victim)

Jayfeather finally reached the lobby. He let out a sigh, it was quiet and much cooler then outside.

Walking up to a wooden desk, he watched Gorsepaw playing a video game. The tom was playing some music with his game.

_No time for goodbyes_

_he said_

_as he faded away_

_don't put your life in_

_someone's hands they're bound_

_to steal it away_

_don't hide_

_your mistakes_

'_cause they'll find you_

_burn you_

_then he said... _

Gorsepaw: (Playing Resident Evil 4) Die! Die! Out of ammo! Where's that shotgun?

Jayfeather: Up the stairs and to your right.

Gorsepaw: (Pauses the game) Thanks! What are you doing here Jayfeather?

Jayfeather explained everything that had happened to him in the last few days.

Gorsepaw: (Taps his chin in thought) Let me pull up your record. (Pulls up something on his computer) It says here that you've fell in love with Cinderheart. I don't blame you, she's really hot.

Back to the subject. Nightcloud has been terrorizing everybody, so StarClan has given you a choice. Capture her, or take one of two punishments.

Jayfeather: What are the punishments?

Gorsepaw: (Leads Jayfeather over to a set of doors and ushers him into the first one)

Jayfeather gasped in terror. Surrounding him were cats with banjos, so many banjos!

Jayfeather: (Tears out the door holding a banjo) (Smashes it on the ground) Die, banjo! Die!

Gorsepaw: (Pushes him into the second door)

There wasn't much in the next room. Just a screen. Jayfeather watched as the screen blinked to life, showing Crowfeather and Nightcloud in "certain activities."

Jayfeather: (Knocks the door off it's hinges and hugs the ground in terror)

Gorsepaw: See? I'm certain you'll want to get Nightcloud now. (Hands Jayfeather a ticket) Use this ticket on the elevator that brought you here. It'll take you back to the ThunderClan camp.

Jayfeather: (Takes the ticket) Thank you, Gorsepaw! Good luck on Resident Evil!

Gorsepaw: See you later, Jayfeather!

* * *

Snowkit poked his head out of some bushes and watched as Jayfeather moved off.

Snowkit: He's leaving! Send the picture!

Mosskit sat next to him with a laptop. With a simple click, the picture was on it's way.

Mosskit: (Grins mischievously) Do you think she'll get it?

Snowkit: (Grins as well) She'll have seen the picture long before Jayfeather gets back.

This particular picture happened to have been of Jayfeather with the drunk and half-naked Honeyfern in his lap.

The picture was headed right to Cinderheart's inbox.

**A.N.: The banjo part comes from VisserZer0's story: Marco Hates the Banjo and Then Some. You all know the drill! Review or no update! So review!** **And don't forget to guess the song! **


	9. Death Berries

**A.N.: Sorry I haven't updated in awhile! On with the show!**

Jayfeather woke up lying in a bed of ferns. Sitting up, he realized his back had been bandaged and his wounds treated.

The moon shone brightly above him. His mind was whirling as he padded back to camp.

How was he supposed to capture Nightcloud? He pushed everything from his mind as he came to the camp entrance.

He could finally see Cinderheart again! That could brighten him up anytime. He nodded to Cloudtail as he passed.

Jayfeather: I'm back, Cloudtail! Have you seen Cinderheart?

Cloudtail: (Glaring at Jayfeather) You talking to me, stranger?

Jayfeather: (Confused) Yes...shouldn't I?

Cloudtail: (Turns his back) I think you know the answer to that one.

Jayfeather moved on toward the barracks, really confused now. He looked up as Daisy crossed in front of him.

Daisy: (Looks at Jayfeather, turns her nose up and walks away)

Jayfeather: (Thinking) What is going on with everybody?

Jayfeather finally peaked into the old medicine den. There was Cinderheart, slumped over a desk and sobbing silently.

Jayfeather was alarmed now. Moving over to his fiancé, he embraced her and stroked her back soothingly.

There many things that had surprised Jayfeather the last few days, but nothing shocked him more when Cinderheart pulled away and turned her back to him.

Jayfeather: Cinderheart, what's wrong?

Cinderheart: (Sobbing bitterly) You know exactly what's wrong! After all we did together! You...you... (Smacks Jayfeather across the face)

Jayfeather: (A look of hurt in his eyes) Cinderheart, I would never hurt you! (Tries to hug her again)

Cinderheart: (Shoves Jayfeather then throws her ring into his paws) Get away from me! (Runs off)

Jayfeather followed the she-cat outside, but she had disappeared into the darkness.

Brightheart: (Walks up) I don't see why you look so hurt. You should have seen this coming. Maybe next time you'll use some foresight.

Jayfeather: (Tears dripping down his face) About what?

Brightheart: (Looks surprised) You don't know?

Jayfeather: (His voice rising) No! Everyone has been avoiding me since I came back to camp! What did I do wrong?

Brightheart: (Pulls out a picture) This was sent to Cinderheart's inbox by an unknown source.

Jayfeather: (Looks at the picture) Oh my StarClan... (Turns and runs off)

Brightheart: Jayfeather, wait! Come back!

* * *

Hollyleaf awoke bright and early the next morning. It was sunny and clear, which helped her mood.

She quickly picked up the story on how Cinderheart wouldn't get out of bed and Jayfeather had run off.

She walked across the clearing to a small shed. Leafpool has set it up with a video camera to record any thoughts they had.

It was going to be turned into a show called _Diaries of War a_nd Leafpool had high hopes for it.

* * *

(Confession Camera)

Hollyleaf: I don't see why Cinderheart is so upset. Jayfeather is such a suck-up. When he was done with her, he would've dumped her. Toms don't keep their brains in their heads, they keep them in...other places.

Whitewing: We need to do something! Brightheart told me the story about Jayfeather, but Cinderheart won't listen to us! I hope Jayfeather doesn't do anything rash.

* * *

Lionblaze padded through the forest, alone with his thoughts. He wished they could find Jayfeather, but the tom wasn't around.

He stopped by the stream at the edge of WindClan territory.

Leafpool had received the story from Daisy on how only Nightcloud had stolen the jellybeans, but she was still untrusting of WindClan cats.

Heathertail: (Pokes her head out of a bush) Lionblaze!

Lionblaze: (Steps into the bush) Heathertail! (Touches noses with her) How are you? I've missed you so much!

Heathertail and Lionblaze had been seeing each other for a while, but hadn't met since the war started.

The she-cat was wearing a WindClan uniform, which was identical to the one Lionblaze wore, except that it was different splotches of yellow and brown to match the clumps of gorse on the WindClan moors.

Lionblaze: (Leans forward suddenly and kisses Heathertail)

Lionblaze had never been so forward with Heathertail, so he was nervous to how she'd react.

Lionblaze: (Blushing fiercely) Um...I

Heathertail: (Grabs Lionblaze by the shirt and starts making out with him)

* * *

Ivykit and Salmonkit were happily playing Resident Evil 4 in the nursery. They weren't doing so well, but having fun nonetheless.

Ivykit: There's the guy with the chainsaw! Kill him! Shoot!

Salmonkit: I'm out of ammo! I need to use my knife!

Ivykit: No! Don't let him get close!

Game: Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Snap!

* * *

(Confession Camera)

Salmonkit: Those guys just won't die! I hate them!

Ivykit: How do you beat chapter three?

Natureboy3: Ha! I just got the game for Wii!

Both kits: No fair!

* * *

Peachkit was sitting outside the nursery, weaving a thin branch into the crude shape of a heart.

Daisy watched the kit for awhile before saying what was on her mind.

Daisy: That looks very nice Peachkit, but what's it for?

Peachkit: I'm making love.

Daisy: (Her eyes bug out) Excuse me?!?

Peachkit: You heard me. I went for a walk out in the woods and I heard Lionblaze talking to some she-cat in a bush. They said something about making love, then I heard a lot of moaning and gasping.

It sounds like fun, so I decided to try it for myself. The only problem is that I have no idea what love looks like. Maybe Lionblaze will tell me when he gets back.

Daisy: (Her eyes roll back into her head and she passes out)

Peachkit: (Shrugs and continues his work while listening to some music on his MP3 player)

_Right now_

_he's probably slow dancing_

_with a bleach blonde tramp_

_and she's probably getting frisky_

_Right now_

_he's probably buying her_

_some fruity little drink_

'_cause she can't shoot whiskey_

_Right now_

_he's probably up behind her with _

_a pool stick showing her how to shoot a combo._

_And he don't know._

* * *

(Confession Camera)

Peachkit: Making love is much harder then it looks. The branch I use keeps breaking.

* * *

Claudandus was in an unusually good mood. The tom he had whipped yesterday had passed out, which was better then him still being able to walk.

He was certainly shocked to see the tom in question leaning up against a tree with a bottle in one paw and two rings in the other.

Claudandus: (Sniffs the air) 1995. A good year.

Jayfeather: (His voice heavily slurred) What ya want?

Claudandus: Tell me everything.

Through heavy slurs and hiccups, Jayfeather managed to get his story across.

Claudandus: (Grins evilly) Take some of these. You'll feel much better. (Hands Jayfeather a bottle of pills and leaves)

Jayfeather: What a *hic* nice fellow that was.

The tom was too drunk to open the lid, so he eventually broke the bottle with a rock.

Jayfeather: (Squints at the label from the bottle) D-E-A-T-H B-E-R-R-I-E-S. Huh. What a funny way to spell aspirin. (Pops a few pills)

**A.N.: Review! Guess the song! The more reviews I get the faster I update! **


	10. Nightcloud Lends a Paw

**A.N.: Hello everybody! The song for chapter 8 was Get Out Alive and the song for last chapter was Before he cheats. (Throws plushies into the air) Next chapter will probably be the last. Keep the reviews coming!**

Smudge removed the stethoscope from beneath Jayfeather's shirt. He let out a sigh as he hung the device back around his neck.

Cinderheart: (Anxiously) Well?

The search group had finally found the tom half-dead at the base of a tree, two rings still clutched in his paw.

While they were bringing him back to camp, Whitewing and Brightheart had been able to get the story across to Cinderheart.

* * *

_Cinderheart: (Sitting up in her bed) What do you two want?_

_Whitewing: (Moves aside to reveal Snowkit and Mosskit) These two have something to tell you._

_Cinderheart: Yes?_

_Mosskit: Well...you see... Jayfeather wasn't cheating on you. We got everything on tape. (Shows Cinderheart the whole story on his video camera)_

_Snowkit: We sent the picture to you as a joke. Pretty funny, huh? (Chuckles nervously)_

* * *

Confession Camera

Snowkit: (Bracing the door. Someone is pounding the outside of it.) In the event of my untimely death...again...

Mosskit: (Also bracing the door) ...and Peachkit can have my Wii...

Snowkit: ...tell Olivekit to stay out of my room...

Mosskit: ...and Firestar's _Playtom_ magazines are in the hall closet...

* * *

Smudge: Well, his heart is very weak. I wouldn't expect him to survive with all the alcohol and death berries in his system. We'll just have to see.

Cinderheart: (Quietly) Thank you.

Smudge: (Nods and leaves)

Cinderheart looked down at the tom lying on the cot. His breathing was terribly labored and he was shivering violently.

Cinderheart: (Buries her face in Jayfeather's chest) Dear StarClan, please let him be alright.

Cinderheart lifted her head to listen to some quiet music coming from the radio.

_What day is it?_

_And in what month?_

_This clock never seemed so alive._

_I can't keep up._

_And I can't back down._

_I've been losing_

_so much time._

_All of the things_

_that I want to say_

_just aren't coming out right._

_I'm tripping on words._

_You've got my head spinning._

_I don't know where to go from here._

Jayfeather: (Opens his eyes) Cinderheart...

Cinderheart: (Stares at Jayfeather, then slaps him across the face)

Jayfeather: Hey! What was that for?

Cinderheart: That's for running away and getting drunk. (Grips his shirt) And this...

Jayfeather: (Braces himself)

Cinderheart: (Kisses him then breaks it momentarily)

Jayfeather: (Quietly) And that?

Cinderheart: That's for not cheating on me. I should have believed you from the start.

Jayfeather: (Suddenly goes limp and his eyes roll back into his head)

Cinderheart: Jayfeather! No! Stay with me! (Shakes him)

Unknown: Your friend is in pretty bad shape. Let me guess, alcohol and death berries?

Cinderheart: (Spins around) You?!?

Nightcloud stood before her, dressed in a WindClan uniform.

Nightcloud: He's going into shock. I've seen it before. (Holds up a syringe) Just give him some of this.

Cinderheart: But...how?

Nightcloud: (Winks at her) This is what happens when you party too hard. Claudandus gave him the death berries. Don't worry, I took care of him. He won't be eating ice cream for a month.

Cinderheart watched nervously as Nightcloud gave Jayfeather the shot. The tom seemed to come back around, before letting out a deep sigh and going into a peaceful sleep.

Nightcloud: See? He'll be fine when he wakes up.

Cinderheart: I could kiss you right now.

Nightcloud: (Holds up her paws) No thank-you. I've been down that road before. I prefer toms.

Cinderheart: Still chasing after Crowfeather?

Nightcloud: (Makes a face) No! I'm over him! He's a better match for Leafpool. They're currently making out in her den.

Cinderheart: Then who are you padding after?

Nightcloud: S...Stonefur.

Cinderheart: Shut up! Really? (Grins widely)

Nightcloud: Yes. He got a ticket from Gorsepaw, so he's living at the WindClan camp.

Cinderheart: What do you like about him?

Nightcloud: He's bright, caring, optimistic, and... (Winks at Cinderheart) He has a gorgeous body. That cat is on fire.

Cinderheart watched as the black she-cat stood up to leave. She quickly slipped a few bills into her paw.

Cinderheart: This will get you into the Stardust hotel. You can take Stonefur into one of the outdoor hot tubs. The view of the stars at night is fantastic.

Nightcloud: (Gives her a quick hug) Thanks, Cinderheart. You're alright. (Leaves the den)

Jayfeather: Does this mean you're not going to make out?

Cinderheart: (Whirls around) You weren't asleep!

Jayfeather: I woke up when you said something about kissing Nightcloud. I was waiting for you two to start making out. (Grins sheepishly)

Cinderheart: (Raises an eyebrow) Wouldn't you rather I make out with you?

Peachkit: (Pops out of nowhere) Will you guys make love?

Cinderheart: (Blushes hard) W-what?

Peachkit: I asked Lionblaze, but he said to ask you two. He said you'd know what I'm talking about.

Cinderheart: (Pulls out a five dollar bill) How about you go get some ice cream instead?

Peachkit: (Takes the money) Okay! Maybe I can follow Leafpool and Crowfeather afterwards and watch them do it! I still don't know what love looks like, so maybe they'll show me! (Runs off)

**A.N.: Review! Guess the song! The more reviews I get, the quicker the final chapter is posted! So review! **


	11. Fin

**A.N.: Hello everyone! The song was called You and Me. (Throws plushies) This is the last chapter,** **and I'll try to clear everything up. Let's get going.**

Jayfeather took a deep breath as the sunlight warmed his pelt.

Turning to his fiancé, he kissed her sweetly before coming back to the present.

Smudge came up and hung something around his neck about the size and shape of a stopwatch.

Jayfeather: What's this?

Smudge: It's a heart rate monitor. Even though it's been three days since Nightcloud gave you that medicine, your heartbeat is slightly off. I want you to wear it for awhile.

Cinderheart: (Wraps her paws around Jayfeather) Don't worry. I'll take care of him. (Leads the tom off)

* * *

Natureboy3 hung his head in his hands as he reviewed the facts.

The Jellybean Wars had officially come to an end, and there hadn't been an actual battle.

The story summary hadn't related to the story at all. He slumped against the table which was sitting in the center of the ThunderClan camp.

He looked up at the cats around the table who he was playing poker with.

Lionblaze, Heathertail, Yellowfang, Nightcloud, Stonefur, Smudge, and Princess waited for the author's response.

Natureboy3: (Glares at the cards in his hand) I hope you're all happy. What a crummy way to end a story! Do you have any idea how bad people are going to nail me for this?

Yellowfang: Sweety, your just grumpy because you have a bad hand. This is one of your better stories! You'll be fine.

Natureboy3: I'm serious! I'm going to be flamed right and left!

Lionblaze: (Kisses Heathertail on the cheek) Is that our fault?

Nayureboy3: Yes! Do you have any idea how hard it is to write about you guys? You're at each other's throats one minute and making out the next! (Motions to where Hollyleaf and Breezepelt are making out on the ground)

Nightcloud: (Snuggles against Stonefur) You're the one who wrote it, pretty boy. Although I do applaud you hooking me up with Stonefur.

Natureboy3: Like I had a choice! You took my hardback copy of _A Dangerous Path_, which is signed by all three Erin Hunters, and threatened to throw it in the garbage disposal!

Heathertail: (Draws a card) Calm down! Someone forgot to take their happy pills this morning.

Natureboy3: (Points at her) And you! People are going to be asking what you're doing in ThunderClan territory!

Heathertail: I have a permit, just like everyone else who isn't ThunderClan.

Princess: (Changing the subject) Smudge and I have set the date! We're getting married this Saturday!

Natureboy3: (Smirks and holds up a pencil) I can see the headline now. Smudge tragically killed before getting married to his true love.

Princess: (Jumps Natureboy3 and tries to tear his face off)

Natureboy3: Okay! I'm sorry! Ow!

Princess: (Lets Natureboy up)

Smudge: (Grins and winks at Princess as she sits back down) So, Natureboy, have you got that other story off the ground yet?

Natureboy3: The one where my family went on vacation for Easter weekend and my cats threw a wild house party with their Clan friends? Nope. I hope to get it up and running eventually, but don't hold your breath. I've had enough craziness for awhile.

Peachkit: (Pops out of nowhere holding a video camera) Will someone make out here? Please?

Heathertail: What the heck. (Grabs Lionblaze and starts making out with him)

Peachkit: (Starts taping) Perfect! I've already got Hollyleaf and Berrynose, now Lionblaze and Heathertail!

Natureboy3: What's the occasion?

Peachkit: I was thinking, what if others don't know what love looks like either? If I can catch love being created on tape, I'll be rich!

Natureboy3: (Blushes and pulls his hat over his face) Good luck with that.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Yellowfang: What's that? It's coming from Jayfeather's tent.

Smudge: That must be his heart monitor. It's been off, so I'm making him wear the thing.

Brightheart: (Walks up) Has anyone seen Cinderheart?

Smudge: (Absentmindedly) I think she's with Jayfeather.

(Complete silence. Every pair of eyes except for Peachkit's go wide with understanding)

Everyone but Peachkit: Shut that thing off! Do you think we want to hear that!?!

Peachkit: Ooh! New material! (Runs off)

**A.N.: There you have it! Please review! Tell me what you think!**


End file.
